“Good Job, anak!”

“I’m so proud of you.”

“That’s a good boy/girl!”

“So pretty naman!”

I hear more and more parents nowadays give praises and compliments to children for their achievements, no matter how minor. Infants, when they smile, or they clap their hands, we feel an urge to give praise and compliments. We are so used to giving praise that it has become an automatic, off-hand response to children’s achievements. The more the children hear these words, the faster it loses its potency.

I want to preface this article by saying that children do need encouragement and support, and it is important to celebrate children’s achievements. The problem lies in the genuineness, authenticity and specificity of our observations and evaluations. There are better ways to do this that will deliver genuine, authentic, and specific appreciation of our children’s efforts and achievements than merely summing it up in 2 words.

Alfie Kohn, author of Hooked on Praise and Unconditional Parenting, wrote an interesting article titled “Five Reasons to Stop Saying “Good Job!” where he cites specific studies supporting his claims about the harms of insincere praise. In the article, he claims that saying, “Good job!”:

 1. Is a way to manipulate children’s behavior for our convenience more than their emotional needs. Saying “Good job!” to a child who picks up their toys after playing isn’t really a celebration of achievement, but a matter of making a child feel good so that he repeats the behavior so that we don’t have to clean up after him. (There is a way to positively reinforce desirable behaviors. Read on below.)

 2. Creates children who are addicted to praise and children are heavily reliant on the adult’s evaluations of their achievements rather than their own judgment of how well they have done.

 3. Steals a child’s pleasure, especially when we make the praise about us, rather than the effort it took the child in order to learn or do what she did. When we say “I like your drawing!” or, “I’m so proud of you, anak.”, we are dictating for a child when to feel pleasure for an achievement.

4. Can result in a child losing interest when the praise is withdrawn or not given. Children who are accustomed to doing things for praise will lose interest quickly when the attention for an achievement is not given to them. The point shifts from drawing, reading, thinking, or creating to getting the reward, whether it’s an ice cream, a sticker, or a “Good job!

 5. Can reduce achievement or future efforts. Children who are praised more often are more hesitant to take risks and explore, probably because of fear of not getting acknowledge for their effort. The praise has a subtle implication of “keep up the good work!” that gets in the way of improvement because their interest and their goal has shifted from the activity on hand to getting or achieving the praise. (See #4)

If saying “Good job” causes more harm than good, how can we provide encouragement to children?

We have to remember that children are still constructing themselves, and they are exploring the world around them. They are testing the limits of their abilities and are coming to an understanding of their place in the world and how they can affect things around them. Dr. Montessori notes this when she said,

“If he washes dishes he cleans which others have soiled, and when he lays the table he works for the benefit of many others who have not partaken of the work with him. And in spite of this he does not consider this work done in service of others as a supplementary effort deserving of praise. No, it is the effort itself which is for him the most sought after prize… In this way the part of the exterior activity of the child which is aimed towards social purposes is developed.” (Maria Montessori, The Child 1941/1965, p. 15)

Children do things for the sake of doing them, not as a means of getting attention or praise from the adult. We have to see the achievement of the children and our own motivation for giving feedback, whether we want to reinforce the behavior because it is desirable, we want to celebrate the child’s achievement, or we want to acknowledge effort and determination exhibited by the child. Each of these motivations require us to pause for a moment and evaluate why we feel compelled to provide feedback or praise.

Reinforcing behavior

When we want a particular behavior to be repeated by someone, we have to be honest with ourselves about the goals that we want to achieve. This comes in the form of knowing what we want and what we have to do to be able to achieve this.

We have to differentiate positive reinforcement from praise. Positive reinforcement is a psychological principle that says that desirable behavior –when reinforced– gets repeated. Praise is too often vague, cliché, and insincere. Take these two differing scenarios of a child who puts away his toys after playing:

Using praise

(Child puts away his toys back to storage)

“Wow! Good job, anak!”

Using Positive reinforcement

(Child puts away his toys back to storage)

“Wow (Name of child)! I see that you put away all your toys after playing. This means a lot to me because you made the room cleaner and that means less work for me.  Having a clean room feels wonderful. Thank you.”

In which of the two scenarios did you feel that the child’s behavior was appreciated? Place yourself in the shoes of the child. Which would be more meaningful to hear?

            When you give sincere praise, it usually comes in the form of a descriptive compliment. Descriptive compliments describe what you see, its tangible effect on you, and an expression of gratitude. 

             Anyone can give an offhand “Good job!” but it takes time to think and come up with a sincere appreciation of effort. One of my favorite writers, Maren Schmidt says,

“Sincere appreciation is powerful. Handle with care.”

Celebrating Achievement

“I’m so proud of you!”

“I’m so happy you did _______”

“(I think that’s a) Good job!”

Let’s face it, we have too much ego. When someone celebrates something, we very often make it about ourselves. This is not only true about celebrating achievements, but when we confide to someone about a problem, a more likely response is for them to share a story about how they experienced the same thing, or how they had it worse at another period of their lives, or how they feel for you. When children come to us with their achievements, they are looking for someone to share the joy of their accomplishment with. This is not the time we insert ourselves with suggestions or how we feel about what they did. This moment is about them and how they are feeling.

Instead of turning the focus on us and how we feel, we direct our attention to the child and his emotions.

Instead of saying: “You were a good boy!”

Say, “You waited quietly for your turn!”

Instead of saying: “I like your drawing!”

Say, “Tell me more about this drawing.”

Instead of saying: “I’m proud of you!”

Say, “How did that make you feel?”

When we don’t have anything ready to say, we can always invite more discussion by asking questions about their work. By reverting the focus back to them, it allows children to be able to process what they did and be able to evaluate and come to a conclusion about their preferences and how they honestly feel about it.

Acknowledging Effort and Determination

When we see our children focused and working hard on a challenging task, it is only natural that we will want to acknowledge their persistence.  When this is our goal, we have to remember some guidelines:

 1. Keep it about their effort and not you. (“You did it!”)

 2. Choose which efforts need acknowledgments. Not every little thing needs to be acknowledged or else it will lose its effect. (“I saw you working really hard on building that.”)

3. Be specific about what you noticed.  (“Wow, this painting has so many colors. I see purple, green, and yellow!)

 4. Emphasize effort and progress, not just the results. (“You keep practicing the piano everyday and now you can play“Mary had a little lamb” without looking at the music sheet!”)

5. Focus on the achievement, not on the child. (“You were very calm and quiet while we were doing the groceries.”)

6. Point out positives. (“You shared some of your food with that child. You should be proud of yourself.”)

7. Don’t overpraise in public. This can be a point of embarrassment for the child especially when they are put on the spot.

8. Share your child’s achievement with people he is comfortable with, such as family members. This will help the child feel validated and is one more avenue for them to feel proud of what they did, with people they trust and love.

9. Be authentic. Children can see right through false praise. Don’t say what you don’t mean. If a child hands you an unrecognizable drawing of a boa swallowing an elephant, don’t say, “What a beautiful hat!” and insist it’s a hat.

 10. Avoid being snarky or sarcastic. Humor is good and healthy for relationships, but never at the expense of other people. (“You can already sit through the whole meal without spilling your food!” rather than “Finally, you can eat like a person now!”)

When in doubt about praising a child, pause. Then reflect about what it is that compels you to say something, then adjust. In concluding his article, Alfie Kohn says,

“This doesn’t mean that all compliments, all thank-you’s, all expressions of delight are harmful. We need to consider our motives for what we say (a genuine expression of enthusiasm is better than a desire to manipulate the child’s future behavior) as well as the actual effects of doing so. Are our reactions helping the child to feel a sense of control over her life — or to constantly look to us for approval? Are they helping her to become more excited about what she’s doing in its own right – or turning it into something she just wants to get through in order to receive a pat on the head

It’s not a matter of memorizing a new script, but of keeping in mind our long-term goals for our children and watching for the effects of what we say.”

Sources:

Logan Ward, How to Praise your Kids, https://www.parents.com/toddlers-preschoolers/development/social/how-to-praise-your-kids/

Alfie Kohn, Five Reasons to Stop Saying “Good Job!”, https://www.alfiekohn.org/article/five-reasons-stop-saying-good-job/

Maren Schmidt, Giving Sincere Praise, https://marenschmidt.com/2016/02/sincere-praise-can-make-a-difference/

Maria Montessori, The Child 1941/1965